The World’s Most Dangerous Dogs

I imagine that there should be a piece on Animal Planet, the History Channel, et al, that needs a new angle: perhaps to uncover the world’s most astounding, vicious, and dangerous dogs. After all they’ve covered everything else and they’re probably running out of material. So it could be as I would depict it…The most dangerous dogs in the world. The show begins…

…Our attention must focus on the world’s most dangerous dogs. We will rank the danger dogs starting with the number 10 on the Dog Danger Scale.

10. The Sub Toy Chihuahua. Our experts consider it to be one of the most dangerous dogs in the world partially because of its extremely minute size. A Sub Toy Chihuahua attains an average height of 102 millimeters. When they bark as all Chihuahuas do, the pitch of their tiny barks is high enough to crack car windshields making the hapless driver unable to see oncoming traffic… often resulting in fatal accidents. For the reason that the deaths are almost always unintentional, we rate the Toy Chihuahua at number 10, yet still one of the World’s Most Dangerous Dogs.

9. The number 9 position is held by the Pug. Often referred to as the Chinese Pug because of its prominence in Chinese History. In the past, many of the Chinese emperors had them as lap dogs; however, there is a darker side to the Pug. They were utilized initially as attack dogs to keep out the barbarians from entering to the Chinese side of the Great Wall. However, when placed in roles of high stress, i.e., attack, guarding, etc., the Pug ran and hid in nearby streams. Regardless, they were utilized by the Chinese primarily as attack dogs because that’s all that they had at the time. In fact, the only way a pug would ever attack an armed barbarian was only in the unlikely event he had a piece of beef attached to his sleeve or shield. However, because the Pug was used historically as an attack dog despite, their battlefield incompetence, we have to rate them Number 9 in the Danger Dog Scale.

8. In the 8th Position is the Romanian Hockey Hound. So named because during the communist era in Romania, under a plan masterminded by Nicolae Ceausescu, the former megalomaniac leader, Romanian hockey coaches would train these usually docile dogs to attack any member of an opposing team that was hitting the puck. It was believed that the Hungarians had brain washed their dogs using a form of Veterinary Transference Psychology (VTP) into believing that a hockey puck was their master. As soon as the opposing team hit a puck, the dog was placed on the ice with specially fitted skates and would immediately attack the opposing team. This so spooked their competition that Hungary’s team typically placed at least in the top 5 in the Olympics. Because this type of dog is not normally a menace to Hungarian society, but only aggressive when placed on the ice, we have to give the Number 8 ranking to the Romanian Hockey Hound.

7. Number 7 on the Danger Dog Scale is the Ukrainian Saint Bernard dog. Traditionally, Saint Bernards are known for saving downed skiers with a little bit of brandy and the ability to drag almost anything, including a NY City Bus down a mountain side. However, the Ukrainian breed has a very checkered past. They invariably find skiers and always attempt to rescue them, but because of their incredible clumsiness, the Ukrainian breed usually winds up causing an avalanche resulting in the death or maiming of the stricken skier. Because Ukraine has so few sizable mountains, and the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant meltdown has kept the mountain passes at a pleasant 73 Fahrenheit year round, the death toll is only a fraction of what it would be if these same dogs worked the Alps. When asked why they keep on using the Ukrainian Breed instead of the more sure footed Western European varieties, the Ukrainian Ski Patrol always answers this way, “Well…they’re cheap!” accompanied with a shrug of their shoulders. For this reason and for the many deaths caused unwittingly by this dog, we place the Ukrainian Saint Bernard at the Number 7 ranking.

6. Number 6 on the Dog Danger Scale is held by the Mini-Schnauzer. While the miniature variety is completely non aggressive, they do have a dangerous side to them. When they meet a new person, they become so excited and joyful that they dance around crazily and almost always urinate on the ground. This is normally not a problem, but when indoors, they will typically only mess on tile floors or any other slippery surface. When the dog jumps around spreading its little puddle, it renders the floor dangerously slippery. There have been almost 1,100 fatalities attributed to the mini-schnauzer. Despite its sunny disposition, for this reason, the friendly little mini-schnauzer takes the number 6 Spot on the Dog Danger Scale.

5. The number 5 spot is occupied by the “Trick” Rapscallion Hound. It gets its name not by performing cute little tricks like rolling over or shaking your hand or other friendly antics. Rather, the Rapscallion Hound hails from the Island of Crete where the original inhabitants, who were mostly gypsies, cross bred a Turkish Elkhound with a Pomeranian and developed this strange breed of dog. While very intelligent, Rapscallions are furtive little dogs that tend toward being…just plain sneaky. The Gypsies used them as decoys in large cities and often would pose with a dagger in their hand in a threatening posture as if to kill the dog. Passersbys might see this ‘cute’ dog about to be killed and immediately come to its aid. The gypsy would then turn the knife on the hapless savior and rob him or her on the spot, with the dog being totally complicit in the crime. This behavior has, of course reached the 21st century with the dog owner now using a.357 magnum or other powerful handgun. (See illustration) While there have been no known fatalities resulting from this type of crime, the fact that the dog works closely and knowingly with his criminal master is enough to place the Rapscallion at the Number 5 place on the Dog Danger Scale.

4. The Four Spot belongs to the Plains Beagle. The Plains Beagle is very similar in appearance to the standard Beagle a’ la the comic strip, “Peanuts”, however, that is the only similarity. The Plains Beagle was originally the lap dog of the Norse Invaders, then called the Norse Imperial Beagle. During the 11the century, The Norse Men, under the leadership of Leif Erikson, purportedly made their way to North America and got as far west as what we now know as the Loop area in Chicago. When food supplies went low, The Norse exploration party attempted, out of desperation, to eat their prize beagles. Sensing danger, the beagles bolted and were lost in the green expanse of the mid west. Over hundreds of years, they formed small wolf-like pods and hunted down the wild mustang horses. When the Indians first saw the Plains Beagle, they mistook them for a friendly variety and attempted to house break (or more correctly, tent break them). It was Chief Left Handed Warrior of the LaPrinze Indians that first cursed them after being viciously bitten on his right hand. It is said today that the Plains Beagle is to the plains what the Piranha is to the Amazon. Legend has it that the Laprinz were almost completely decimated by the Plains Beagle, however this has not been completely substantiated by the western media outlets of the time. For their fierce reputation, they will take the Number Four Spot on the Dog Danger Scale.

3. The Number Three spot is held by the Micronesian Sea Lion Dog, a close relative, in appearance (only) to the Toy Manchurian Retriever. The Sea Lion Dog is a fierce predator not of ugly sea lions, but rather, seals. Micronesian Islanders wanted to maintain a vigorous tourism base on the idyllic island of Pohnpei and having wild dogs attack cute seals would definitely put a crimp on this area as a tourism destination. Therefore, they were able to convince the world that this predatory dog only hunted ugly Sea Lions. However, it is obvious that Sea Lion Dogs attack seals as their major source of food. When seals are not available, one would think that the dogs would go after Sea Lions. Wrong! Their second favorite dish is SCUBA divers. Maybe it’s the taste of the neoprene rubber of their wetsuits or the suntan oil they rub on their skin while waiting to go to a dive site. Whatever it is, when you’re diving in the South Seas, beware. In 1947 Jacques Cousteau refused to dive in the water referring to the menace of those “…devil dogs!” as the reason he wouldn’t dive when the dogs were within 30 miles. We don’t know how many deaths can be attributed to the predations of the Micronesian Sea Lion Dog, but whatever the number, it is will make this vicious predator Number Three on the scale of the world’s Danger Dogs.

2. The Hot Dog. While actually not a real dog, but sort of a near food, the Hot Dog probably has taken more lives than all of the wars put together over the history of the world. I was starting to run out of dogs and I thought that the hot dog concept would fit. Do you have any idea what goes into the making of a hot dog? The ingredients of the average hot dog is more toxic than model airplane glue or cobra venom. However, when fiendishly blended together, stuffed into a brown red colored tube, the hot dog, while it tastes pretty good, is a lethal weapon. It was said that Mao Tse Dung, the former dictator of red China, suggested that China should ship over 11 billion tons of hot dogs to the U.S., Britain and Canada as a way of destroying the western powers, “…from the inside.” Fortunately, the plan was never implemented. And so, we have to grant the lowly Hot Dog as the Number Two member on the Dog Danger scale.

1. We have to go back in time to on or about 730 A.D. to find the Number One Danger Dog of all Times. This brings us to that most infamous of all dogs on the Dog Danger scale. This would be the creature that Beowolf was really afraid of…Grindel. This monster may or may not be related to the dog or canine family at all, but it’s pretty sinister that BeoWulf was really afraid of Grindel. Besides Beowulf seems to have some tie in with dogs himself. Anyway, Grindel was a ferocious monster of some kind. The heroic Beowulf was able to use a concoction similar to silly putty and wine to lure Grindel to a grassy knoll (historically a very dangerous place) and kill Grindel. However, let the reader by aware that prior to his death, Grindel killed nearly the entire populations of Iceland, Greenland and what we now know as Finland. He also ate most of the codfish, swordfish and sturgeon populations off the North Atlantic Irish coast.

If beef jerky were a fish swimming in those waters at that time, he would have eaten all of it. And if Beowulf hadn’t stopped this creature, he probably would have killed all of the sailors in Western Europe, Asia and the Americas. The 8th Century world of Beowulf would be a much different place if this had occurred. And so we owe a debt of gratitude to Beowulf and hand over the Number One Spot on the Dog Danger Scale to Grindel, the most dangerous (possibly a) dog.

This wraps it up for the most dangerous, deadly dogs of the world. Often when we see the friendly little puppy, we can easily forget that behind that affable dog charm and friendly demeanor could possibly lurk a dangerous and bloodthirsty killer, the Danger Dog.” Author’s note: You dog may not be a dangerous dog, but he may smell and have fleas,,,ugh!! The way around that is to go to the orange-dogs web site that will help you to take care of these problems..

Nick Schklair is one of the partners of GNE Enterprises, Inc. A Florida based pet care products company, located in St. Johns, Florida specializing in green, organic approaches to pet care utilizing essential oils and organic based orange byproducts. He overseas the manufacture, formulation and quality control of the products that are marketed. The key to the company’s approach is to utilize only natural compounds, including the product’s containers, which are recyclable. Nick has a B.S. from St. Johns University and a Masters Degree from Dartmouth College.

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